She Will Be Alright- Meredith Grey
by WillowJadesMum2017
Summary: Meredith left Seattle after Derek died, hiding a secret that will change her life. She has to pick up the pieces before it's too late.
1. Sad Song

Without you, I feel broke

Like I'm half of a whole

Without you, I've got no hand to hold

Without you, I feel torn

Like a sail in a storm

Without you, I'm just a sad song

I'm just a sad song

-We The Kings

The snowy Colorado weather was playing its part outside her window. Meredith stood, dressed in a nightgown watching the blizzard that was happening while cradling her 9-month baby bump.

That's right, she was pregnant and was due to give birth any day. In fact, she was overdue by a week. She had moved to Colorado leaving everything she had known behind, her friends and what family she had left. She couldn't stand to be in the house where she and Derek made beautiful memories that would always be near and dear to her heart. The house that he had built for the two of them. She also couldn't stand to work in the same hospital he had died in, so she transferred to Colorado where she worked as a general surgeon.

She had bought a beautiful house that looked over the mountains, it was a 2 story with a fireplace and wrap-around balconies that she absolutely adored. She was still stood at the window, rubbing her hand back and forth over her bump wishing Derek was there with her. She thought the situation was completely screwed up. They had tried for years to have a baby and she had managed to get pregnant once just to lose the baby a few weeks later and just a month after he had died she found out she was carrying their daughter.

She wasn't sure she wanted to continue with the pregnancy, she was a mess. But she also couldn't imagine killing something that was both of them. Of the man, she loved with everything she was.

Turning around she started walking over to the rocking chair she had in front of the fireplace. She only stopped when she felt a pop and a gush of fluid exploded from her. She looked down to see the hardwood soaked.

Panic ran through her like ice in her veins. "No! No! No! This cant is happening now" she muttered. She was alone and snowed in. She had already gotten an alert saying that the city was basically shut down and nobody could get anywhere which for Meredith meant that there was no way paramedics could get to her.

She grabbed some towels out of the closet and a pair of scissors and headed up to her bedroom. She spread a blanket out onto the floor and a pillow before climbing into bed. Slowly she took her pants off and checked her dilation herself, it had been years since she had helped deliver a baby but she was sure she remembered how to.

"4" she muttered. "Ok, we have a while." Closing her eyes she blew out a breathe, scared out of her mind. She needed someone, anyone. She wasn't close with anyone at work, it was all business with her. Grabbing her phone, she went through her contacts trying to figure out who she could call.

"Kerev" she whispered. She clicked his name and pressed the video chat button. It rang and rang and she was getting nervous.

"Hey, Mer" Alex said when he answered. "How have you been?"

Meredith groaned. "Well, right now we are snowed in and I'm in labor. I'm scared Alex I don't think I can do this alone."

"You are pregnant?" Alex asked. They had kept in contact after she had left but she never mentioned the pregnancy.

"Yes, I found out after Derek died. It's why I left. I couldn't stay there--" she groaned as a contraction came on and held her breath until it passed. "I couldn't be around all the reminders and I sure as hell did not want to deliver this baby at the hospital where I've lost so many people."

Alex sighed. He understood. "I know, I get it, Meredith. Hey, if you want I'll stay on video chat with you during this."

"You Will?"

"Yeah, you shouldn't be alone." He paused for a minute. "Hey someone wants to say hi." He turned his phone screen and Izzy appeared on the screen.

"Hey Meredith!" Izzy smiled. Meredith gave her a small smile and waved. She could hear Alex explaining that she was in labor.

"Meredith, how dilated are you?" Alex asked.

"Only 4" she sighed.

"Well, why don't you try and get some sleep and call me back when you wake up, you will need the energy." Alex said.

"Yeah, good idea. I'll talk to you later" Meredith said before hitting the exit button. She placed her phone on the nightstand and laid down just in time for another contraction. She closed her eyes and rode it out caressing her stomach in the process. Her little girl was moving around, which was making her hurt worse.

"Calm down baby girl, we will meet each other soon." She whispered before succumbing to sleep.

She awoke a few hours later to a much more painful contraction. She gritted her teeth and buried her face in her pillow until it was over. When it was she rolled onto her back and checked her dilation again.

"7, that's progress" she breathed. She grabbed her phone and called Alex back.

"Hey Meredith, did you sleep?"

"Yeah but contraction woke me up. I'm at 7 right now so it shouldn't be much longer."

Her labor had stalled. Alex was a great birthing coach, trying to keep her calm whenever a contraction racked her body telling her to breathe and that she was doing a good job. She couldn't help but think that Derek should be here being her coach, watching as she brought their child into the world.


	2. Forever Now

First time I held you in my arms I knew I'd love you all the way

I'm always gonna be right here Always gonna cheer you up I'm always gonna have your back You're never gonna be alone

That I'm always gonna lift you up And I'm never gonna let you down No matter what you do I'm forever proud of you I'll love you forever now

Forever now-Michael Buble

Hours had gone by and it was nearly 2 in the morning when she couldn't stand the pain any longer. She wanted drugs or someone to knock her out with a hammer, either option seemed pleasing at this point.

"You're doing great Meredith" Alex's voice traveled through the phone. She had moved down onto the blanket not wanting to give birth in bed.

"I don't think I can do this Alex." She cried.

"Yes, you can, Meredith you are the strongest person I know. You have survived so much and I know you can get through this."

She cried out again in pain, contractions coming every minute now. She threw her head back against the pillow crying. "I just want this to end."

At around 4 in the morning, she had a new feeling, one that scared her to her very core. "Alex, i-i think I need to push."

"Ok, check your dilation again Mer."

She checked, she was definitely ready to push. "I feel her, she's already crowning."

"Ok Meredith, go ahead and push." Meredith placed her phone so Alex could see what was going on before leaning back. She drew in a breathe and pushed. She pushed with every amount of energy she had left.

She felt like she was getting nowhere, even though she could feel everything. The burning, the stretching, her baby slowly making its way out of her body.

"Ok, the head is out...Oh my god," she whispered in horror.

"Meredith, what is it?"

"Her- her cord is around her neck." She quickly tried to unwrap it but it was tight. She wasn't sure if she could get it. "Alex, I can't get it." She started crying, not sure what to do.

"Keep trying Meredith. Just keep trying."

So she did and finally, she was able to loosen it just enough to get her fingers under it and finally she was able to lift it over her daughter's head.

"Ok-ok I got it" she cried. She fell back against the pillow continuing to push and 3 pushes later her daughter was born.

"SHES NOT BREATHING!" Meredith yelled. As a doctor, it should have been easy for her to remember what to do but as a mother, she had just entered full blown panic mode.

"Flip her over Meredith and pat her back and also rub it to try and get her stimulated into breathing." Alex said. He knew that she was not thinking as a doctor right now.

She did what she was told but it didn't seem to be working. Time went by and Meredith got more worried, afraid that she was gonna lose the only thing keeping her together. It was only when she finally heard the tiny cry her daughter managed to make that she let the breathe she had been holding in out.

"Ok, good girl honey." Her daughter broke into a wail of displeasure making Meredith laugh slightly. She picked her daughter up, snuggling her close to her chest not caring that the baby was still covered in blood.

She laid her down on the towel in front of her quickly wiping her off as her little girl screamed and shook. Once that was done she cut her cord and picked her up, cradling her back against her chest.

"I know sweetie, mommas here. I've got you, you're safe" she whispered. "I know your cold baby hang on." She grabbed one of the extra blankets and draped it over her before collapsing back into the pillow. The baby wriggled trying to find a sense of security.

"Mommy's got you" she whispered. She felt another contraction and knew it was the after birth. She quickly delivered it and got both of them into her bed. She sat her phone up on the nightstand so Alex could still see them before pulling the blanket over them both.

"You did great" Meredith Alex whispered in awe of what he had just witnessed.

She smiled before grabbing her phone showing Alex her little girl who was laying constantly against her exploring her world.

"She's beautiful Meredith, she looks like you."

"With her daddy's hair," Meredith giggled. "Explains the heartburn." She turned the phone towards her. "Alex I would like you to meet my daughter Ellis Alexandria Grey-Shepherd. "

"Beautiful name Meredith, I'm proud of you."

"Thank you, and thanks for being with me through this."

"No problem, I'll let you go enjoy your little family. Take care alright and I'll check with you tomorrow."

"That's fine." She ended the call and placed her phone back on the nightstand before sliding down to get more comfortable. She stared at her daughter running her fingertip over her thick black hair as the baby stared back at her slightly whimpering.

"What do you think of this world so far hmm? We will be the ok baby girl I promise you." Meredith scooted her daughter up, placing a kiss on the side of her head. She was exhausted but was afraid to sleep incase something would happened to her little girl. She thought back to the day when she found out she was pregnant it was clear as day in her mind

Flashback

Meredith had just gone back to work. She was forced to take time off but all she wanted to be back at work. But even then she couldn't bear to walk past that room. The room where her life had pretty much ended.

She had not failed to notice the way people stared at her as she walked the halls. Maybe they weren't expecting her to come back. But why wouldn't She? She loved what she did and she was good at it. She needed to move on and couldn't spend any more time cooped up in the house crying.

She walked to the attending lounge and put on her scrub coat, her eyes trailing over to Derek's cubby. She had cleaned it out after he died wanting to keep his most prized possessions. She quickly excited and caught up with Alex who asked if she was alright to be here.

She knew she would get asked that, probably more than once today and she knew it would end up driving her insane. Her first patient of the day was a teenager with abdominal pain. She sat the chart down on the table and got started.

By lunchtime, Meredith was getting sick of everyone. The stares, the whispers. She wanted to just ask everyone what their problems were. Derek was dead, she wasn't. Therefore she was going to do her job.

After lunch, she went back to work but she couldn't help but notice her stomach doing somersaults and the overwhelming urge to vomit. She exited the patient's room and stood at the desk going over the chart in front of her. She couldn't focus. The chart got blurry. She blinked her eyes immediately regretting it when the room started spinning.

She couldn't hold it in anymore. She was shaking and looked around for the nearest garbage can. But she couldn't make it. She couldn't move and starting throwing up on the floor beside her.

"Grey, you Ok?" Bailey asked immediately concerned.

"Yeah, I think." Meredith groaned wiping her mouth with her sleeve. She went to stand back up but the room was spinning even worse than before and before she knew it. She was falling to the floor.

She woke up in a hospital bed, an iv sticking out of her hand. She groaned her head pounding.

"Welcome back Grey" Bailey said from beside her.

"What happened?" Meredith groaned

"You vomited and proceeded to pass out." Bailey said as she grabbed her pager paging Arizona.

"But why?"

"Your dehydrated and lucky you didn't give yourself a concussion." Bailey said. Meredith was surprised to see Arizona walk into the room. Wasn't she peds?

"Hey Meredith."

"Hey, why are you here? I find I just want to get back to work."

"Well, that's not happening for at least a week. You are dehydrated. All your tests came back fine but Meredith, did you know?"

"Did I know what?" Meredith asked very confusedly.

"You're pregnant."

Meredith couldn't speak, this could not be happening. She finally found her voice. "No, i-i didn't...Derek...oh god."

"It's Derek's?" Arizona asked.

Meredith sighed leaning her head back..."yeah" she whispered.

End of flashback

Meredith sighed. At the time she honestly had no clue she was pregnant let alone she was 9 weeks pregnant. She had spiraled into a deep depression after she lost Derek and wasn't paying attention like she should have been. But none of that mattered now. All that mattered was Ellis was here, safe and sound.

She looked down seeing her little girl squirming, she smiled knowing she was looking for her first meal.

"Ok, hun," she whispered gently rolling onto her side before getting the baby latched on. Gently she stroked Ellis's hair, watching as the baby stared up at her as she ate her meal. She couldn't understand how it was possible to love someone so much, they had each other in this world and her job was to protect her daughter.

She let her daughter finish and burped her before getting her settled on the bed in front of her. Slowly she got out of bed and grabbed a fleece sleeper out of the drawer before carefully dressing her daughter.

"There, nice and cozy." She picked the baby up and went over to the other side where the bassinet was getting her baby girl settled. The baby cried as soon as Meredith laid her down not wanting to be away from her mother.

"Your ok honey, I'm right here. Everything is alright." She whispered rubbing Ellis's chest. The baby slowly calmed down to her mother's voice and touch and was soon asleep. Meredith climbed into bed, falling asleep almost immediately.


	3. Dream

_Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions_

_I keep my visions to myself_

_It's only me_

_Who wants to wrap around your dreams and..._

_Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?_

_Dreams of loneliness..._

_Like a heartbeat... drives you mad..._

_In the stillness of remembering what you had..._

_And what you lost..._

_And what you had..._

_And what you lost_

_Dreams-Fleetwood Mac_

_Dream_

_She was sitting in the room where her husband died. The bed was empty, she looked around confused. Why was she here? Where was everyone?_

_"Meredith," a voice from beside her whispered. She knew that voice, she would know it anywhere._

_"Derek. Wha-what are you doing here? You're dead."_

_"Yes, I am, but I had to see you. Tell you how incredibly proud I am of you."_

_"I don't understand."_

_"I watched you, I watched you bring our beautiful little girl into the world. You are amazing."_

_"She is amazing" Meredith sighed. "Derek, I don't think I can do this without you."_

_"Yes, you can. I'll always be by your side. I'm always watching over you guys even though you can't see me."_

_"My world stopped when you died and then I found out I was pregnant. All those years we tried."_

_"But now you have someone to keep you going. When it all seems dark. Love her, protect her and it will all be alright."_

_"I don't know what to do. I feel like we should go back to Seattle but I don't know."_

_"Just do what your heart tells you, Meredith, you have always been right. You are so incredible and have been through so much. I know you will be a great mother to our baby girl."_

_Tears streamed down Meredith's cheeks. "I miss you, I miss you so much."_

_"I miss you too but remember. I'm always here for you." He leaned in and kissed her, his lips feeling incredible against hers once he pulled away they stared into each other's eyes._

_"Goodbye Meredith," he whispered._

_"Goodbye Derek," she choked out._

_End dream_

Jolting awake, Meredith's breathing was rapid as she sat up in bed looking around. The sun was starting to shine through the windows giving the room a glow. She peeked over the side of the bed to see her little girl still fast asleep curled up in a fetal position making her chuckle lightly.

She grabbed her phone and took a picture, sending it to Alex before placing her phone in her lap. She was still shaken up by the dream. Was it a sign? She had dreamt about Derek numerous times but never like this.

She leaned back against her pillows, thinking back to the day her life changed forever

_Flashback_

_Meredith was in the or, just about to finish up an almost 9-hour operation that should have only taken a few hours. She was exhausted and just wanted to go lay down in one of the on-call rooms. She was just sewing her patient up when the callie entered the or._

_"Meredith." She whispered_

_"I'm just about done finally. This lady coded 3 times and--"_

_"Meredith" Callie repeated._

_"What?"_

_"Derek is in the er, he's hurt. Bad."_

_Her heart stopped hearing that. She had someone else take over and ran right past Callie and didn't stop until she came to er._

_"Where is he?" She yelled._

_"Trauma room 1 Meredith" Callie said. Meredith took off barging into the room. Everyone was there, working on her husband._

_"Get her out of her" Webber said._

_"No, I'm staying Meredith" growled. She walked towards the bed looking down at Derek. He was covered in blood and unconscious. She backed away sliding down the wall._

_"Meredith, let's go wait in the waiting room alright?" Callie said as she helped Meredith up and guided her out. She couldn't lose him, she couldn't lose her best friend and her other half._

_Derek had eventually been taken to the or which sent Merediths stomach in knots. They came out every so often to give her an update and it wasn't looking good. He kept coding on the table and each time they were able to bring him back, the likelihood of recovery went down._

_They had managed to get the glass that had been piercing his lung but one of his kidneys was shredded and had to be removed. He had cuts all over him and his arm was broken along with a brain bleed. He was moved to a room sometime later where Meredith joined him._

_She walked into the room, gasping at the sight that was before her. He had every wire you could possibly imagine coming out of him and he was on a ventilator. She took a seat on a chair next to him, taking his hand into hers._

_"Derek," she whispered. "I'm here, I'm not going to leave your side but you have to get better. I can't lose you, you mean everything to me. You're my better half. My person and I can't lose another person in my life. I love you..."_

_He survived the night. Giving them some slight hope. She kept true to her promise staying by his bedside rarely leaving unless someone forced her too. Two weeks later she was still sat in the chair next to him, staring. She was exhausted but didn't want to go home and rest. She was lost in her thoughts when the heart monitor flatlined. She was pushed out of the way as they shocked him. She watched as they shocked him over and over again until she heard the words she had been terrified of hearing._

_Time of death: 6:41. She collapsed right there in the room, her whole world ending. She knew she would never be the same again._

_End of flashback_

Remembering that dark time in her life left tears streaming down her cheeks as she cried. Instinctively She placed her hand onto her stomach momentarily forgetting her little girl no longer occupied it. Nothing had hurt her more, the bombing, the plane crash, drowning nothing even compared to losing Derek.

A quiet whimper came from the bassinet, Meredith rolled over and propped herself up onto her elbow watching as Ellis squirmed, her mouth making a cute little o shape as she yawned.

"Hey there" Meredith whispered reaching her hand out to take Ellis tiny one into hers. She sighed. "Hopefully, the roads are clear later on, we need to both be checked out." Slowly she sat up ignoring the pain in her stomach as she reached into the bassinet bringing the baby into her arms. She sat there staring into her daughter's eyes soaking in the moment suddenly wishing she was back in Seattle.


	4. Count On Me

_You can count on me like 1, 2, 3__I'll be there__And I know when I need it__I can count on you like 4, 3, 2__And you'll be there__Cause that's what friends are supposed to do__-Bruno mars_

* * *

The hospital room was quiet. Out in the hallway, you could hear the hustle and bustle of everyday hospital life but inside all, you could hear was the beeping of the iv machine and the quiet suckling of a newborn feeding. It had taken hours, but finally, Meredith and Ellis were able to head to the hospital. Everything checked out perfect, the baby was healthy and so was Meredith.

She looked around the hospital room finding it weird that she was a patient rather than her job as a surgeon. She had been given one of the VIP rooms courtesy of her boss who wouldn't take no as an answer.

Meredith had finally broken down and called Christina whom she had not spoken too since Derek had died. Christina was her person and would always be but she was surprised that Meredith had called her and to find out about her hidden pregnancy. But even then she didn't hesitate to tell her that she would be on the next flight out to see them both.

So that's what Meredith was doing. Waiting for her best friend. She had finished feeding the baby getting her settled skin to skin with her as she flipped the tv on turning on an old movie as she let it play in the background filling up the quiet space. she hated quiet as it gave her too much time to think.

The hospital room door opened revealing Christina. Meredith smiled as she watched her best friend walk in placing a bouquet of flowers onto the table.

"Well, this is a surprise" Christina smiled. "First, you leave Seattle without so much as one word to anyone and then you go and have Derek's kid without any of us knowing."

"Yeah, sounds about right." Meredith laughed.

"Oh, come here you" Christina said as she went and hugged Meredith. "How have you been?"

"Living ended up delivering this little one myself."

"Still a badass I see" Christina laughed.

"I guess so although I didn't have a choice. How is everyone? Surviving without me?"

"Pfff hardly. Bailey is still Bailey. Owen thinks he owns everyone and everything. Callie left and Arizona is the head of pediatrics."

"Oh wow, that's great, good for her!"

"No one knew what happened to you although everyone had their theories."

"What were they?"

"A few thought you killed yourself and the rest thought you just left."

"And what did you think?" Meredith asked.

"I didn't know what to think. My best friend suddenly disappeared."

"I'm sorry, I felt like I needed to leave after I found out I was pregnant."

"You would have been proud of Arizona. One of the newbies was complaining and she told her off. Something about she needed to take a minute to consider who we lost before she complained about how his death was inconvenient for her."

"Oh, sorry my husband died" Meredith said sarcastically.

"The Neuro god" Christina chuckled making Meredith chuckle with her. "Alright enough chit chat, let me see what you two managed to produce." Christina said as she walked to the other side of the bed.

"This is Ellis" Meredith introduced.

"Ellis? as in your mom? I thought you hated her."

"I didn't necessarily hate her, she was just a horrible mom. Here you wanna hold her?"

"I don't do babies, you know that."

"She's not going to bite Christina" Meredith laughed wrapping Ellis back up in her blanket before handing her over to Christina. She couldn't help but laugh watching as Christina awkwardly held her daughter.

"She's pretty cute Meredith."

"I think she is too. She's perfectly healthy, 7lb 8oz."

"Damn, I'm trying to picture you pregnant."

"Here I have pictures" Meredith said grabbing her phone before going into her camera roll. She handed her phone over to Christina who couldn't help but laugh noticing that Meredith was still tiny with just a huge baby bump.

"You were all baby" she laughed

"Definitely." Meredith agreed. Looking at her now you wouldn't have even known she had ever been pregnant, all the baby weight already gone. Christina took a seat in the chair right next to Meredith's hospital bed still holding the baby.

"I'm thinking about coming back to Seattle" Meredith whispered.

"Good, we need you and Owen already said you would have your job back."

Meredith hummed in response. "I don't know for sure yet. I left thinking I was doing the right thing for both of us but now..."

"Now you're realizing it was a bad idea" Christina offered.

Meredith sighed, "yeah." She leaned her head back against the pillow her eyes gazing over at Christina with the baby. She knew Christina never wanted kids but if she did she also knew that Christina would be a good mother.

"Have you given any more thought to having kids?" Meredith asked.

"Oh come on Meredith, we have had this discussion before. I don't want kids and never will."

"Whatever you say, Christina." Meredith smiled. The baby started fussing in Christina's arms and Meredith could see Christina starting to freak out. She reached her arms out, "hand her here" she laughed.

Christina gladly handed Ellis back to her mother watching as Meredith laid her on the bed in front of her. "Can you hand me the diaper and wipes from under her bed, please?" She asked undoing the baby's diaper.

"Lord, how can you stand to smell that. It's like a bomb went off."

"When you're a mother you get used to it" Meredith said continuing to change the baby. She finished up throwing the dirty one into the trash can before laying the baby on her chest watching as she tried to burrow herself deeper getting comfortable.

Meredith and Christina spent hours talking about anything and everything and it felt amazing for Meredith to have her best friend back at her side even if it was just for a little while.


	5. If We Have Eachother

Ellis was now a week old, how had a week gone by this fast? Meredith was obsessed with her baby girl. They had each other and that's all she needed. she was stood in the kitchen making eggs, dancing around the kitchen as her baby girl watched from her bouncer as music blasted through the radio. When her favorite song started playing she couldn't help but smile. It was a song she had played frequently during her pregnancy and it spoke volumes to her. she turned the oven off and picked her little girl up, starting to dance with her as she sang.

She was waiting on the day she hoped her baby would arrive

She'd never been alone

Have someone to hold

And when the nights were cold

Shed say

The worlds not perfect but it's not that bad

If we got each other, and that's all we have

I will be your mother, and ill hold your hand

You should know ill be there for you.

When the worlds not perfect

When the worlds not kind

If we have each other, then well both be fine

When the song was over she laughed, getting Ellis settled back into her bouncer before returning to her cooking. That song was how she felt, if they had each other they would be fine. Ellis had saved her in ways that were hard for her to understand. But what she did understand was that Ellis wouldn't ever know just how much she meant to Meredith. She loved that little girl more than she ever knew was humanly possible. Stirring the eggs in the pan she remembered a time where she didn't cook...not that she didn't try. Derek used to make fun of her cooking, saying he wouldn't feed it to hungry dogs but after he died and with a baby on the way she had no choice but to learn.

Meredith had decided to go back to Seattle once Ellis was old enough to travel. She had had a hard time admitting but she missed her friends and co-workers. Colorado just wasn't the same. But she would miss the house and all the amenities but it wasn't like she couldn't add them into her Seattle home minus the mountains. She had always heard the term that it took a village to raise a child and in Colorado, she didn't have a village. She had people she worked with and nothing more, nothing like Seattle where her co-workers had become her family. Even the ones she didn't necessarily like or got along with.

Flipping the burner off she put the eggs on a plate and sat down at the island beginning to eat. Once in a while she would glance over at Ellis watching as she looked around at her surroundings. she knew from what experience she had with newborns that they mainly slept. But that wasn't Ellis, she was a very alert baby who hardly slept. She would much rather look around at her surroundings or track Meredith every movement which made getting things done hard. If Meredith had to leave the room for any reason, Ellis was quick to react with distressed cries to let her mother know she wasn't happy being left alone. But in all honesty, Meredith was fine with it, she loved the bond she had with her daughter.

She finished eating, putting her plate in the sink before taking Ellis out of her bouncer. She settled on the couch, leaning back against the cushions as she laid the baby on her chest. The house was quiet, a little too quiet.

"What do you think Ellis?" She softly whispered placing a kiss against her daughter's soft hair. "I love you so much. Were going to be ok, mommas going to figure this out."

She knew what she needed to do but apart of her was hesitant. Hesitant to go back to the house she shared with the one love of her life. Hesitant to step foot back into the hospital where her life ended. But she knew she needed to.

She got up, laying the baby in the bassinet before she grabbing the suitcase out of the closet beginning to pack. She knew if she didn't least start, she would change her mind and she could only pray she was doing the right thing.

She finished up packing what she didn't need before laying down on the bed. She wondered how her life had gotten so messed up, don't get her wrong she loved her daughter more than she could ever say but she picked up and left without telling anyone anything because she was scared. She abandoned everything she ever knew.

She ran her hand down her face wishing that the love of her life was next to her. She missed Derek with every ounce of her being and every day she saw more of him in their daughter especially when she was sleeping.

She rolled over, watching every breath Ellis took thanking god that Derek had left her with something when he died. She probably Wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for their daughter.

Early on in her pregnancy, she would admit that she had more than her fair share of drinks. It was how she got through the nights. But in her defense, she didn't know she was pregnant at the time.

But once she knew she stopped, knowing she needed to for their daughter. It took her a long time to decide what she was going to do about her pregnancy. She would be lying if she said she had not thought about terminating. She thought it was the best thing.

She had lost Derek, she was a mess and really didn't think she could do this on her own. Her own mother didn't really care about her and she was afraid she would end up like her but made it a point not too.

Now she didn't understand how a mother couldn't want anything to do with their child. Her heart broke every time Ellis would cry and her instinct was to console her, to be there for her daughter 100%.

It wasn't until her almost 15-week ultrasound where she heard the heartbeat and saw her little girl fluttering around on the screen that she made the decision. She was keeping her, she had to try for Derek He always wanted kids with her and this baby was the last piece of him she still had.


	6. Unsteady

Hold on

Hold on to me

'Cause I'm a little unsteady

A little unsteady

-x ambassadors

Waking up Meredith was already not looking forward to the day ahead. Her baby girl had a doctor's appointment and as much as she knew it was a necessary evil, she didn't want to go. She knew it would be stressful for them both. Reluctantly she got out of bed, grabbing a set of clothes before hopping in the shower. The hot water felt amazing on her skin. She quickly washed her hair and cleaned up before getting out hoping she could get ready before the baby woke up. But to her surprise, Ellis was still asleep when she finished getting ready.

Arriving at the doctor's office, she set the carrier down on one of the chairs before going to check-in.

"Hi, Ellis Grey-Shepherd for Doctor Adler" she said. She finished checking in and headed back to her seat, taking a peek inside of the carrier not at all surprised to find Ellis awake.

"Hey, there beautiful" she whispered undoing the straps before she picked the baby up.Gently she got her out of her coat and sleeper, leaving her in just her diaper before wrapping her up to her blanket. It didn't take long for their name to be called before they were heading back to the scale.They were taken back to the room where Meredith was asked what felt like a million questions before they were left alone. Meredith was nervous and she wanted to just leave and save her daughter from the trauma but she knew she couldn't. Instead, she studied the pictures that hung on the walls as she held her daughter.

When the doctor came in he didn't even introduce himself and Meredith already didn't like him. She watched as he clicked through the chart probably not even reading it.

When it came time for Ellis examination she couldn't help but notice how rough he was being. She was sat in the chair trying to keep her mouth shut, but watching Ellis clearly terrified wasn't doing her any favors. After what felt like forever they were finally done. She spent a few extra minutes cradling Ellis in her arms as the baby cried.

"I know baby girl, I've got you. Were done honey" she whispered. She bounced the baby in her arms, gently patting her bottom.

She had managed to get her to slightly calm down only to start screaming again when she placed her in her car seat. As much as it broke her heart she just wanted to get home someplace familiar to the baby.

She got out of the car upon arriving home, going around to the back to grab her still screaming daughter. She decided to leave the car seat in the car and just wrapped Ellis in her blanket as they went inside the house. She settled on the couch placing her baby girl against her chest.

"Your ok honey" she whispered. She got her in position to nurse, staring down into her daughter's tear-filled eyes as she suckled.

She was making dinner, attempting to anyway. She finally gave up and just grabbed a can of spaghetti out of the cupboard and started the microwave. She had just gotten the baby to sleep after hours of trying to console her.

She didn't even want to think about what her daughter had gone through today and she had pretty much made up her mind that they were going back to Seattle as soon as they could.

The microwave had just gone off when she heard a knock at the door. She debated for a moment before grabbing her bowl out of the microwave setting it on the counter.

"I'm coming" she yelled when she heard another knock. She opened the door, a woman standing there dressed in professional clothing that she did not recognize.

"Hi, I'm Amy with child protective services" she introduced and it took everything inside of Meredith not to slam the door in her face.

Ok, first off please dont kill me for the chapter you guys im sorry! I know its short as just a filler chapter and i promise others will be longer. Love you guys and thank you! Feel free to comment they are highly appreciated!!!


	7. Hurts Like Hell

How can I do say this without breaking?

How can I say this without taking over?

How can I put it down into words?

When it's almost too much for my soul alone.

I've loved and I've loved and I lost you...and its hurts like hell

-Flurie Lyrics

A lady from CPS was standing at her door and she didn't know why. Who would have called them? Standing frozen she must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights as her mind raced. Slowly she opened the door, silently inviting the woman in. She watched as the woman walked in taking a seat on her couch.

"Um, can I get you something to drink?" Meredith offered.

"No that's quite alright miss grey," the woman replied. She was going the paperwork in her hands as Meredith awkwardly stood there with her arms folded biting her lip. "There have been some concerns about the well being of your daughter by"- she flipped a page- "a doctor Adler."

"What did he say?"Meredith snapped getting defensive but how could she not be? This woman who she didn't even know was possibly going to take her daughter for reasons she didn't even know and that scared the absolute shit out of her.

"For starters, it looks like she has lost weight since birth."

"It's perfectly normal for babies to lose before they gain. I am a doctor too."

"Yes and that also raised some concerns, with your long work hours and spontaneous schedules how are you going to raise an infant? I know schedules can be grueling." The woman said making Meredith scoff.

"Yes, I will say they can be but my daughter will always come first."

"Is the father in the picture?" The lady asked completely oblivious to the situation.

"No, he died almost a year ago" Meredith whispered. "Look, I don't know what he told you but that baby is 100% loved."

"Where is the baby?" Amy asked.

Meredith sighed. "I'll go wake her up." Unfolding her arms she walked past the couch and into her room, heading over to the bassinet. She looked down at her daughter tears coming to her eyes. She was possibly going to lose the one thing keeping her here and that was breaking her inside. Slowly she picked Ellis up quietly shushing her when the baby fussed in her arms.

"I know the baby girl" she whispered. she held her daughter tight to her chest as she walked out of the room and sunk down into the chair feeling extremely protective. Meredith wanted this woman to leave. She was drawn out of her thoughts when the lady spoke again.

"What are you planning to do when you go back to work?"

"Right now I don't know and what does my job have to do with anything? There are plenty of doctors that have kids and they make it work."

"You had a difficult pregnancy did you not?"

"I will admit at the beginning was hard. I had just lost her father and then I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what I was going to do with the pregnancy but I know now I made the right decision."

"Look, Meredith, I'm going to be straight with you" the woman started. "The doctor put in his report that he suspected abuse going on."

Meredith was appalled, she would never even think about hurting her little girl and she hated Amy for even suggesting that. "What?" she whispered. "That's insane. I would never hurt her!"

"I understand that what you are saying but you do understand that we have to investigate. These are serious allegations."

"So-So what happens now?" Meredith asked and wasn't sure she wanted to know.

"We will conduct a home study and background checks" the lady started. "She will also be checked out by one of our pediatricians. But in the meantime, I'm afraid she will be going into emergency foster home placement until everything gets resolved."

And there it was, what Meredith had been fearing. Tears started streaming down her cheeks. "Please, I-I don't want to be away from her" she choked out. "Please don't take her" she pleaded.

"I'm sorry, we will try and work as fast as we can. You seem like a really great mother Meredith but this is how this goes. I'll give you a few minutes to say goodbye while I look around the house" amy said as she got up and left the room.

Meredith sat there clutching her daughter to her chest as tears continued to stream down her cheeks. she closed her eyes, trying to breathe feeling like the breath had been sucked out of her. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry sweetheart. I love you so much." she opened her eyes looking down into her daughter's eyes. "You be good alright and I promise I'm going to fight to get you back."

"Its time to go" Amy whispered coming back into the room. Meredith stood up, rocking her daughter for a moment as she stared at the woman. "Alright," she looked down at her daughter. "I love you, be good" she repeated. She handed her daughter over to the worker, watching as they left. When the door closed she collapsed into the chair freely sobbing, she had just lost her daughter...how was she going to make it?


	8. Broken

I'm falling apart

I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart

That's still beating

Hanging on another day

Just to see what you will throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will, will be OK

-Lifehouse

Tossing and turning she looked at her clock noticing it was only 2:30 in the morning. She couldn't sleep, her mind filled with worry. She peaked over the side of the bed staring at the empty bassinet where her daughter should have laying. Tears streamed down her cheeks, she missed her baby girl and felt completely empty and alone without her. She wanted nothing more than to be cuddled up in bed with her, inhaling her sweet baby scent as she nursed. Instead, she was lying awake, not sure when she would see her again, if ever.

She glanced at the clock again, counting inside her head. It would be 1:30 in Seattle and she didn't know if Alex would be awake or not but she needed to talk to someone. Grabbing her phone off the charger she went into her contacts pulling up his number before clicking the video chat button.

It took a few minutes but eventually, he answered yawning, clearly have been woken up.

"I'm sorry, I know it's late" she started.

"Are you crying, Meredith?" Alex asked suddenly concerned.

"Yeah," she whispered wiping the tears from her face.

"Whats going on? is Ellis alright?"

"Yeah, no, I- I don't know" she stammered trying to control her breathing.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"She's not with me right now."

"What do you mean she's not with you right now Meredith? Where is she?"

Meredith let of a gasping sob, tears freely falling down her cheeks once again. "Child protective services took her. Claiming I will be working too much and that there were allegations of abuse from her doctor! Alex! you know me better than anyone that I would never hurt my little girl!" she rambled.

"That's bullshit Meredith, you would never. I'm calling them in the morning and getting her back with you where she belongs."

"Please stay on the phone with me Alex, I can't be alone right now I just can't."

"its ok Meredith, im here. I'm not going anywhere." He tried to reassure her. "Take a deep breathe and try and calm down."

She tried, she really did but the tears kept coming until she was hyperventilating. She listened as Alex talked trying to get her to calm her breathing. He knew how much this had to have been killing her. "Everything will be alright ok? You and I both know the allegations are false. You are a great mom Meredith."

They both talked for a little bit, Meredith's breathing finally calming down. "The worst part is I don't know if she's ok right now. If shes been treated right."

"I know but you can't think like that. Just focus on getting her back. Try and get some sleep, Meredith. I promise I won't hang up."

She did what she was told setting her phone up on the nightstand before pulling the covers over her. It took her almost a half hour to fall asleep but she finally did snuggle up with her daughter's blanket.

When she woke up again the sun was shining through the window as the snow fell gracefully outside. She peeked at the clock noticing it was almost 8:30 and she had managed to get a few hours of sleep.

"Good morning there" she heard on her phone. She peeked over noticing Alex was in his kitchen.

"You stayed" she lightly smiled.

"I told you I would" Alex smiled back. She grabbed her phone and headed into the bathroom taking a look at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face had tear stains from all the crying she had done. Turning the light off she moved into her kitchen grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge before settling on the couch. She wasn't in the mood to eat even though she knew she needed to keep her strength up.

"How are you feeling?" Alex asked her.

"I'm alright, I think." she rubbed her hand over her face and sighed. "I don't know honestly."

"Well I called cps and they are going to get back to me and I also called in a few favors."

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked confused.

"Let's just say everyone at the hospital is behind you on this. You have a whole army ready to fight to get your daughter back to you." Alex smiled.

Meredith smiled back. Alex had to leave a few minutes later and once again Meredith found herself alone like she always ended up. what was she to do now? She was lost. She couldn't stay in this house for another minute she decided. She pulled her coat on and headed out her door wandering aimlessly in a direction to she didn't know where.

She came across a little corner coffee shop and headed in. She ordered herself hot chocolate even though her choice of the beverage she preferred would be something along the lines of alcohol at the moment. The waiter brought her coffee over, slipping her a note with it. She couldn't help but notice that he was cute. He walked away and slowly she opened the note scanning it.

It was his phone number. She sighed and shoved the piece of paper into her pocket. She couldn't, she didn't want too. She felt like she would be cheating on Derek and right now she was not in the right state of mind to be making a huge decision as this one would be. She quickly finished her drink and exited the coffee shop walking around, checking out other places that lined the strip mall. She needed to keep herself occupied to preserve the last bit of sanity she had left.

In one of the shops, she couldn't help but check out the baby section. She scanned the racks of baby clothes wandering aimlessly with no destination in mind. Coming across a display of Christmas ornaments she couldn't help but look through them, all of them baby-themed. She held one in her hand that said

"You are my sunshine" and it had a place for a picture and baby's name and birthdate. Tears came to her eyes. she had to get it, she needed it. Carefully she took it off the rack and continued looking for a little while until she was finished before heading to check out.

She gave them what she thought was the best picture of Ellis and told them what to have engraved onto it before taking a seat as she waited for it to be finished. She couldn't help but cry seeing the finished product. it was beautiful, tearfully she placed it back inside the bag and started walking home.

Opening the door she threw her coat down onto the couch before heading into the bedroom, she hung the ornament on the inside of the bassinet and stepped back admiring it. It was beautiful, especially when the sunlight hit it just right. She slipped her shoes off and changed into a pair of pajamas before curling up in bed, it was barely noon but she didn't know what else to do. She had no responsibilities at the moment and she wasn't used to that. She wasn't used to not having her daughter by her side and she sighed thinking about to one the happiest days in her pregnancy.

Flashback

She had just gotten out of bed but she was still tired. 22 weeks and this pregnancy already took a lot of her. She had a doctor's appointment at 10 o clock and decided she needed a shower before she was any more productive.

Slipping her nightgown off, she slipped into the water moaning as the hot was cascading down her back. In the cold colorado weather, she savored her showers, enjoying the heat and steam.

She had just got done washing her hair when she felt it, she didn't know what it was at first. It was weird and foreign to her. Instinctively she cupped her hand over her bump, waiting to feel it again.

She felt it again, a flutter. Her face scrunched up in confusion as she lightly pressed down to only be met with a stronger thump and for a moment she thought it was gas until it finally dawned on her what she was feeling.

"flutters" she thought to herself. Her baby was kicking. Tears came to her eyes as she rubbed her fingers back and forth over her bump enjoying every flutter she felt.

"Are you kicking momma sweetheart? I love you so much. I hope I get to find out what you are today, I'm dying to know" she whispered. "I know things may seem crazy right now but I promise you this. Mommy will always love you"she cried soaking at the moment.

End of flashback

That was one the best days of her pregnancy and this was undoubtedly one of her worst days of motherhood.


	9. Coming Home

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world I'm coming home

Let the rain wash away

All the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits

And they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home.

-Skylar Grey

Taking a look around the house, Meredith sighed. She had come to love the house and the view it held outside her window and she would surely miss it. But this wasn't her home, Seattle was with all her friends who had become her family.

"Ok baby girl, let's go home" she whispered running her hand up and down Ellis's back. Yes, she had her daughter back after 4 agonizingly grueling days.

Flashback

Everything had worked out. Cps ended their investigations with the conclusion that the doctor falsified the report and that Meredith wasn't the only one he had done it too.

All the favors Alex had called in worked and she was currently waiting for the social worker to bring her daughter back to her. She had thanked Alex and told them she would be returning to Seattle in a few days.

Sitting on the couch, she was fidgeting her arms aching to have her little girl back in them.She took a deep breath, straightening her ponytail when she finally heard a knock at the door.

Opening the door her eyes caught sight of her baby girl in the social worker's arms and as much as she told herself she was going to cry, tears burst out of her as she cried matching her daughter who was also crying.

Without thinking she took Ellis into her arms settling her against her chest as she closed her eyes taking in a shaky breath. Slowly she opened her eyes looking down at her daughter.

"It's ok baby girl" she sniffled. "Mommas got you, your back with momma...finally" she whispered the last part. She smiled up at the social worker who smiled back at her.

"The case has been closed" the lady said. "I'll get out of your hair now, sorry for the trouble" she said as she left. Meredith shut the door and got them settled on the couch smiling as she saw her little girl staring up at her calm now.

"I missed you, baby girl, I missed you so much" Meredith whispered.

End of flashback

Settling herself in her plane seat she snuggled Ellis against her chest with one hand, while her other one was gripping the armrest as if her life depended on it. She hated airplanes, she absolutely despised them ever since an airplane had caused Derek to lose his best friend and she herself to lose her little sister. She laid her head back against the seat as she closed her eyes trying to focus on breathing.

"You look like you could use a sedative" someone laughed. She opened her eyes noticing the man across from her laughing. "Maybe they can give you something" he smirked.

"If you knew my history with airplanes you wouldn't be jokes right now" Meredith snapped. "You didn't have your husband's best friend and your kid sister ripped from you because of a plane crash. You didn't have a friend lose her leg or your husband almost lose function in his hand forever."

"No ma'am the man" quickly replied returning to reading his newspaper. Meredith sighed, looking out the window. At least it was a short flight

When they finally landed Meredith thanked the lord for their safety and quickly got off the plane. Meredith thought that it was just Christina that was picking them up, but as she approached the gate she was in for a surprise. Everyone was there, Bailey, Owen, Arizona, Alex, Jackson, April and the rest of her co-workers.

"Christina, what is this?" she laughed.

"Well, they found out I was picking you up and wanted to come along." Christina said, a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"I'll go get your bags" Owen said walking off with Bailey following him.

Alex went up to Meredith flashing her a smile. "Let me meet the little one" he said reaching out for the baby that was sound asleep against Meredith's chest.

"We all missed you" Arizona said hugging the blonde. Meredith turned around just in time to see Owen and Bailey returning, luggage in hand.

Stepping inside of her house was bittersweet. Everything exactly how she left it, no stone overturned. She saw everyone out, promising she would stop by the hospital with the baby soon before shutting the front door. She needed to be alone and get them both settled.

She spent time walking around the house, Ellis safely snuggled against her chest as she walked down the hallway upstairs. She peaked into the bedroom that was right across from the master, mentally noting that it would be Ellis nursery once she was old enough to be away from Meredith.

Slowly she opened the door to the master bedroom, inhaling a sharp breath as she looked around. Nothing of his had been touched, she couldn't bear to get rid of any of his things but maybe it was time? She laid Ellis down in the middle of the bed surrounding her with pillows before she went back downstairs grabbing bags, bringing them up to the bedroom. She spent the next few hours getting everything rearranged, taking breaks to feed and change Ellis in between.

Finishing up, she took a look around deciding it was time. She grabbed an empty box packing all his stuff up before placing it in the closet. It was time for a new start, for them both. It was nearly night time by the time she got done and she was exhausted. She placed the baby into the bassinet and turned in for the night.


End file.
